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Monday
October 31, 2005

My Journey to Atheism by Eric J. Tower

When I chose to live my life as an atheist I did so not because I wanted to be different, but because I lived through the real dangers of theistic life both psychologically and physically. Theistic belief hindered my growth as an individual. When I finally chose to shrug these chains I found I was able to live my life freely. No longer impeded by unearned guilt or baseless faith, I was finally able to grow as an individual. (Read more...)
Discuss this Article (44 messages)

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 7:43am

Eric,

First off, sanctions to you- You hit some key points that not only resonated with me, but are ones that are under intense scrutiny by modern, freethinking theologists (notably within the free church, but not entirely limited to it).

What a way to get started as a kid. You are faulty by birth (sin), bound in an endless struggle to attain sufficient moral purity in order to escape a fiery afterlife. The upside, as advertised, is rather bizarre as well (for one, I'm not all so sure I would want to rejoin a number of my deceased family members, much less lie around with lions and lambs). This path of purity, of course, is unattainable, by design. But even that is not the worst piece of it, at least to me. The worst piece of it is that it ingrains within you a daily, unhealthy consciousness regarding mortality. In a word, you are given anxiety, and little kids aren't supposed to have extra anxiety put on them.

Technically (and despite some local opinion), I am a non-deist, but not anti-theology. If I had to fit myself into any pigeonhole, I suppose it might involve monism. I do not believe in a guy in the sky. Aside from being silly, let's just say I have authority issues in the first place, as well as disagreeing with something like this from the sheer aspect of managerial and organizational structure. I won't even go into the dangers of having to deal with absentee management.

There is and never will be any goodness in the concept of Original Sin. Original Sin probably started out as a misinterpretation of myth, and scripture, but more importantly was used as a control mechanism in the ecclesiastical world. It still is, and it is a powerful tool. As a Unitarian Universalist, I of course reject the concept (that is what the Universalist part means).

Theology, the study of religion, is not necessary nor required for anyone. There are many things to study in life. It is, in the end, a matter of personal preference, if you look at the world as being your university. I will say that, just as when we look at the work of many thinkers, it is easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater. There is great beauty to be found in theology, and great thought. The wounding that is caused by certain types of organized religion is such that we will reject all things, not just what should be rejected. It is difficult to convert the good things that we had into pure ballast, even though to do so often serves so well.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 11:11am

Props, Eric. I experienced my own theism-related freight train, figuratively speaking, also much too close for comfort. Thanks for posting this.
Katie

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 11:53am

I enjoyed this very much, Eric. Thanks.

"We never had to take any of it seriously, did we?"

:-)

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 11:56am

Oh yes, I have been there. Growing up believing in Original Sin is hard enough... and harder if you're Catholic. Wonderful article... one of my favorite subjects to read about on SOLO, just because it's been the hardest thing for me to convince others of in my quest to spread O'ism to everyone I know. I am always looking for new words to describe what I feel... when people express them so clearly, I find it pretty amazing.

Just to add my own bit, I also grew up Catholic, and was also always very confused by the terrifying image of Jesus bleeding on the cross. When I look back, I never really believed. I also sought refuge in alternative religion... of the Celtic/Pagan variety if it matters, and then almost went back to Catholicism right before my Catholic grandfather died... I almost became "confirmed" in the Catholic church because he wanted me to before he passed. In the end, I couldn't, and I finally was able to admit to myself that there was nothing "up there". I am still struggling with my family's acceptance of that fact... but I can say that since I gave up religion and accepted reason as my saving grace, I have never been better. That is the worst thing you can tell a believer... to them, I should be punished. I find it very sad that our culture is so saturated with religion, and I hope the trend lessens as I grow older.

~Nicki T.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 12:37pm

On the other hand I was at my singer's Orthodox Greek wedding weekend before last and it was beautiful. Nice illuminations. Of course, I got in trouble with the "What's behind doors number 1,2,3,4 " jokes, but whatever.

Talk about nasty visions, you have to see the high-tech evangelical stuff to believe it. Tom Brokaw did an excellent prime time special on the evangelical movement last weekend. Their "Easter Show" was a full multi-media nightmare. Bloody Jesus tied to a stake being scourged, the whole routine.Centurions pushing back the crowds. Reaction shots of families- all the little kids kept looking up at the ceiling because they couldn't take it. Horrible. We have churches like that here- they have media systems that blow away most good concert halls.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 12:40pm

Eric, good read, but I have some constructive criticism.

You did demonstrate that having faith can lead to bad happenings, but it was only one instance, and not enough to convince anyone not already an atheist. If this article was meant to sound convincing in any manner, you would need far more instances. Also, "In the beginning" (heh heh) you were talking about God, as well as in the end, and you made it sound like your NDE (near-death experience) proved that God is not real, when it didn't. In any (a)theological discussions you have with theists, you should probably not only include more instances, but also how God is logically impossible, lacks a physical referent, and can't be positively defined.

After all, it is a logical fallacy to assume that there is no god just because having faith is dangerous.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 12:48pm

I grew up in a conservative Evangelical household and had the same struggles with Original Sin and unearned guilt. I remember at one point in my life I would pray every night to rededicate my life to God for some moral failure(s) I had during the day.

Reading Ayn Rand was definitely a breath of fresh air and provided a whole new way of looking at life. But I didn't really become an atheist until reading OPAR and then Why Atheism. This was a much harder step to take than getting over the unearned guilt. Although I was already going to hell for the life I was living, taking that last step really sealed the deal. It's still something that is hard to get over when you're brought up that way, even when logic tells you it can't be.

My parents aren't aware of the extent of my heresy but they are aware that I have turned away from the beliefs they taught me. Like Nicole mentions above it is still a problem I struggle with also. I would like to be open with them but it always turns into an argument with the same points being rehashed over and over again and questions about where they went wrong as parents. Imagine Rearden's arguments with his family but in a religious context.

But like Rich says, it is easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater and I try to avoid that. I was brought up with a sense that our lives were important and that there was good and evil. "Converting" to Objectivism wasn't all that hard. It was just a matter of learning the real reasons behind why my life was important and why there is good and evil.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 1:05pm

Fortunately my parents had converted from very Southern Baptist to Methodist (these are Baptists who know how to read) in sequence to moving up north and increasing their economic base. So, I pretty much avoided the whole Satan thing, and had the drone that only comes from whitebread middle class suburban churches. At that point, though, trying to stay clear of Satan would have been more entertaining than the constant and ominous ponderings of my own mortality that consumed me from about the age of 7 or so. Church made me think about death way too much, and I didn't like the whole setup. My parents didn't know it but they were becoming progressive religious liberals. Another thing they didn't go for was embalming and burial, preferring cremation. When they told me how the whole burial thing worked, I couldn't sleep for weeks. I signed organ donation forms for Case Western Reserve Medical School when I was 12.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 1:36pm

Nicki wrote: "I find it very sad that our culture is so saturated with religion, and I hope the trend lessens as I grow older."

I wouldn't say it's "sad." It's pathetic and dangerous. I struggle with whom I despise more: Religionists of the left, the most self-righteous propagators of cultural elitism and anti-American rhetoric, or the religionists of the right, who lust for power in their willingness to strip you of your civil liberties. To hell with them both. As for you hoping "the trend lessens as I grow older," I wouldn't hold out much hope. If Sept. 11 didn't convince people that mysticism is dangerous in practice, nothing will. Americans love their religion. When the twin towers came down, they didn't think, "Oh, religion did this." They thought, "Oh, the WRONG religion did this."

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 1:54pm

My deconversion is somewhat hazy. I'm not sure how it all began, but I'll relate what I know.

I had always been a momma's boy, and my Methodist, church-going grandma took care of me for long periods of time as a babysitter. She was the kind of grandma that always praises you, does everything for you, and feeds you Little Debbies. By the time third grade rolled around, I was a plump braggart who was usually meek (are there many of those?). My mom and grandma educated me in regard to Christianity (the Methodist variety), and my dad "resolved" my video game addiction by making me read the Bible for one hour for every extra hour of game time I wanted. Now, I was a Christian, but reading the Bible for an hour each day was absolute boring torture. [Tangent time. I got a Game Boy and played it in my room when I was supposed to be reading -- so I got about three hours of game playing on those days, when I hadn't honestly earned even the second. Bad, bad me.]

Anway, because of my weight and gullibility (I attribute that to my grandma and relative lack of social interaction.), I had many social troubles in elementary school. I never had more than one very good friend at a time, I think, and the proto-athletes/idiots would make fun of my heft. I was yearning for a girlfriend, since many of the guys were paired up with the nice girls and since I wanted good company; also, I had my first sex ed. in fifth grade, so there was another kind of yearning. Then, sometime around then (maybe? I forgot.) my second-to-last remaining great-grandmother died.

At night I would cry my eyes out, begging and praying to God because I didn't think I was living the right life, because I was unsuccessful, because I had small doubts, and because I thought that that would all cause Him to send me to hell. The death of my great-grandmother just intensified this, as I thought she'd be in heaven, looking down upon me in disapproval. Despite having no good reason for such self-loathing, which I realize only in retrospect, I was making my life a living piece of shit.

The next thing I know, I'm in high school. Got a job working for the school district's tech. department. Stopping by the school to pick up a worker (even though they did it for an asshole anyway, but he had senior release), inconvenienced the tech. guys enough (as well as the fact that sometimes, due to work load, I couldn't do my job some days) that I walked up to the building many days -- and just did homework -- and this turned into a trend as the year progressed.

They had a computer in their department that no one was usually on. I'd use it for the internet, since I didn't have a new enough computer at home at the time. I'm not sure what provoked me to search for atheism stuff. Maybe I already was an atheist, or maybe I was simply having doubts. However, I found reason in the writings, as well as the anger toward religion that often comes with being a recent outcast (though I was still in the closet). The reason part has led me to read much more about atheism, but the search for reason has led to even better places, such as SOLO HQ. The anger bit, well... I'd rather it hadn't been there, as it makes it look like I was just in a teenage "phase" (which my dad thought it was) instead of being reasonably persuaded into a new mentality.

Now I'm a freshman in college, worrying about my future (major, etc.), about finding a girl (and one who wouldn't object to my atheism), and about the state of the United States under Bushwhacker and his Religious Right cohorts.

That's my story. Sorry for the length.
(Edited by Mark Chesterman
on 10/31, 2:00pm)

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 2:02pm

Yeah, both sides--religious liberals and religious conservatives--are bad for the country, but initially I was just angry with the conservative bunch, who make religion a priority. Unfortunately, the liberals make it into nothing, so that we not only can't criticize it, but never even talk about it!

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 2:15pm

Eric,

Good article. Personally I had to wait years - until I was in my 50's - before I finally realized what original sin actually was. According to strict Christian doctrine, I (and all of us) had inherited the original sin. Adam and Eve had eaten an unfortunate meal - a talking snake told them where the fast food was - and that was the sin that all those animal sacrifices in the Old Testament were carried out to atone for - and that was the sin for which they tortured God's finest to death for. So we would not have to do those gory public animal killings anymore.

Pure animal rights.

That kind of stuff makes precious little sense even to the faithful. They have to dress it up much better than what I said (even though what I said is accurate) to be able to swallow it.

Kudos to you, Eric, for choosing reason over faith.

Michael

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 2:27pm

Michael: " Personally I had to wait years - until I was in my 50's - before I finally realized what original sin actually was. According to strict Christian doctrine, I (and all of us) had inherited the original sin."

It's interesting to note the differences in the Judaic version versus the Christian version of original sin, sin meaning "separation." The Kabbalistic version claims that the seperation was God's doing. The analogy used is that the world was like a vessel, and when His influence overflowed, the separation was needed. (Bad paraphrasing.) Throughout time, it became a vicious business of punishment as opposed to a growing experience for man.

But I quibble...the idea of original sin is bad, mmkay?

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 2:47pm

The problem, globally, lies in extremist fundamentalism, and its leaders. Why they are what they are (pathology, or just moral bankruptcy) makes no matter. Consider communisim- this is an atheistic ideology, and it's no good. If it were participatory and not mandatory, well, maybe that's screwball economics, but they wouldn't be threatening anyone, they'd just be trying to live in their little supposedly self-sufficient communes. It's the leadership, and they are imperialistic powermongers, which is kind of funny since that's what they call everyone else. The atheism isn't what makes them fuckheads. Consider Islam. Being Islamic does not by default evolve you into a terrorist- extremist psychos spearhead terrorism, and coerce and force cooperation. Consider American Christianity- the threat (and it is mounting beyond belief) is not in being a Christian, it is from the right-wing extremist leaders, who are powermongers. It is about control, and power. There are various combinations of things that drive your hardcore extremist- usually, they are meglomaniacs rather than true mystics- big difference. Being a mystic does not automatically make you a threat to society. Sometimes, it makes you strange, or frail. Mystics are wired differently- there is a lot more activity in the superior parietal lobe (which some folks will be glad to know makes them similar in pathology to epileptics)- their sense of time, and self are dissolved when in a mystical state.

The reasons people turn on all religion (and religious people) rather than make the appropriate and necessary distinctions is because they have either had bad experiences with organized religion, or because it was given to them in the way the common man normally has religion, and there is little sense or reason or beauty in it. It is not possible for an intelligent, evolved person who has intelligent, evolved questions and needs to have their seeking addressed by religion as it is normally found in the common man. Religion then, in common form, presents little more than an ass-pain to any freethinker, and does so on a number of levels.

Many atheists, particularly Objectivists, will absolutely condemn all religion, and scorn or at least underevaluate the religious individual, right off the jump. Oddly, if you happen to spend any amount of time with liberation theologists, or academics of the free church, you will not likely find that kind of judgment put on you. Nor will you be treated like a lost sheep, nor will they attempt to convert you. That is because they believe in individual freedom, at the mind level.

Familiarity bred contempt, but it turned into universal contempt. Baby, bathwater.

These matters are small, in the face of the actual threat of extremist fundamentalism, coming at the freethinker from both sides- Islam, and Christianity. Different style, same agenda, and it doesn't involve anything good for you.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 3:09pm

When I made my First Communion as a child I gagged on the Communion wafer, a sure sign of things to come as I now gag on religion in general.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 3:17pm

RICH WROTE:
"Many atheists, particularly Objectivists, will absolutely condemn all religion, and scorn or at least underevaluate the religious individual, right off the jump. Oddly, if you happen to spend any amount of time with liberation theologists, or academics of the free church, you will not likely find that kind of judgment put on you. Nor will you be treated like a lost sheep, nor will they attempt to convert you. That is because they believe in individual freedom, at the mind level."

I am an atheist and while I admire and appreciate almost nothing about religion, I have not nor do I condemn the entirety of a person because of his religious beliefs. This would make it quite impossible for me to date my Catholic (albeit Catholic Lite) girlfriend. Yes, you CAN be moral despite being religious. I WILL challenge their beliefs, particularly the ones that affect or potentially affect my freedoms, and I WILL challenge their ideas, particularly when they want to engage in a discussion about them. The fact that liberation theologists do not judge me doesn't mean anything to me, other than it makes me think that their philosophy is so weak as to render them unable to make judgments.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 3:55pm

I was raised atheist.

Any rational thought from a religious person comes despite his religious teachings and is a testament to him and the strength of the human mind when allowed to flourish and think freely. In America where we are indeed free, individualists who are also religious are common because, I think, their common sense weighs more heavily than their Gods do, in public life.

Some of my most stridently Catholic friends absolutely adore Atlash Shrugged and the Fountainhead. This is not a result of any part of their religious teachings but a direct result their life experiences.

Unrelated: At a Catholic wedding I marvelled at how lovely and nice amd beautiful it was what with greeting each other "Peace be with you" and the pretty piano music and all, while at the same time the man they idolized was dripping big painted puddles of blood and looking so tortured I wanted to cry. How can they be so happy and friendly with this in front of them? I think its because people just want to be happy. And this is good. Happiness is the anti-dote to religion. Or at least the scarry zealotry type.

(Edited by Marnee
on 10/31, 4:02pm)

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 5:04pm

Thank you all for your comments and support of the essay.

Your personal stories were an interesting read.

Personally I don't see the baby in Mr. Rich Engle's religion bathwater. I see redeeming aspects of certain religious rituals, marriage, the funeral rites, and anything else that is a ritual celebration of a persons life or life itself. But I do not believe that you need to hold onto religion to hold onto these things. You are free folks, just do your own rituals. My brother and I celebrate capitalism in our life starting on Black Friday (day after thanksgiving) and ending around the 2nd of the new year. We reflect on how great the market is, how life is improved through trade. No mysticism, spirits, or alters. Just coffee, conversation on economics, and friendship atheist and otherwise.

~E.J. Tower

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 6:52pm

Yes, Jamie, you're right, it is much more scary and pathetic than sad. I wholeheartedly agree.

Sometimes I am just a softy though.;o)

I will be more precise with my language in the future. Thank you.

Monday, October 31, 2005 - 7:19pm

Eric I love what you said.

I think that is a great idea. I think people tend to take our lives, our freedom, and all that means, for granted too often.

Cheers!

Happy Halloween!