| | Kate,
Self-esteem is the automatic result of how one uses their consciousness. Use it correctly and self-esteem goes up, use it improperly and it goes down. Almost every conscious process has a capacity to effect the level of self-esteem even if it is minutely.
If a person acts to violate their personal integrity their self-esteem goes down. If they face reality instead of evading, it goes up. If they assume responsibility for their existence, it goes up, etc.
I've explained this to show that there is nothing here that would ever be "too much" - you can't use your consciousness too correctly. Some people mistake being overly aggressive for being appropriately assertive - they aren't the same thing. Some people mistake narcissism for self-esteem but they are nothing alike.
There can't be any such thing as "unearned self-esteem" - because it is automatic and beyond our control in that sense.
Here are the principles from an article by Branden:
1. Living Consciously:
Respect for facts; being present to what we are doing while we are doing it; seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects; seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world as well, so that we do not act out of self-blindness.
2. Self-acceptance:
The willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning -- and also without self-repudiation; giving oneself permission to think one's thoughts, experience one's emotions, and look at one's actions without necessarily liking, endorsing or condoning them. If we are self-accepting, we do not experience ourselves as always "on trial," and what this leads to is non-defensiveness and willingness to hear critical feedback or different ideas without becoming hostile and adversarial.
3. Self-responsibility:
Realizing that we are the authors of our choices and actions; that each one of us is responsible for our life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer values in exchange; and that the question is not "Who's to blame?" but always "What needs to be done?"
4. Self-assertiveness:
Being authentic in our dealings with others; treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid someone's disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate circumstances.
5. Living purposefully:
Identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them, organizing behavior in the service of those goals, monitoring action to be sure we stay on track -- and paying attention to outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board.
6. Personal integrity:
Living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we professes to admire; dealing with others fairly and benevolently.
------------
Self-esteem comes from those... no way to get it unearned.
Branden's article is here
(Edited by Steve Wolfer on 8/30, 6:26pm)
|
|
