How to Write Good

How to Write Good

[Whilst recirculating in my electronic correspondence one time too frequently in various guises, I deigned cast a search far and wide in hyperlink-space for a definitive genesis of this linguistic tabulation. The possible origins are two misters Visco, George Trigg, William Safire, and a multitude of various sources anonymous. Which is which is a wonder. I amended some, subtracted some, added sum, concatenated some, and amalgamated all for better digestive value. May it pleaseth the reader to reckon the perfection of prose provided herein.]

On Punctuation

A sentence ends with a period
Don't use commas, that, are not, needed.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
The same goes for separate items in a series whether in letters essays and reports.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Kill excess exclamation points!!!
I declare that question marks be left for questions only?
Uses of a colon after an independent clause, enumeration, amplification, citation.
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon;
As the editor said, "Keep the period inside quotation marks".
Asterisks are *not* quotation marks.

On Spelling and Proofreading

Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.
Or you can use youre spell chekker to catch typograhpical errers.
Why? Be cost spell chequers all ways get eat write.
And proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

On Syntax

Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in his writing.
Just between you and I, the case of pronouns is important.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
And don't start a sentence with a conjuction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
No sentence fragments.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
Don't use no double negatives.

On Words

Don’t verb nouns.
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Eshew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
Remember to hyphenate two or more word modifiers that precede the words they modify.

On Figures of Speech

Avoid tautological neoplasms.
Similes are as bad as clichés.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: Resist hyperbole.
Constantly conjuring consonances confound.
Also, always avoid annoying assonances.
To help readers, make sure ellipses ...., understand?
Metonymy is better stated by mouth rather than by pen.
You know Dagny, apostrophe is misleading to the uninitiated.
The use of onomatopoeia is a purr or hiss proposition.
Ploce, yes! Effective, yes! Well-known, no!

On Style

One-word sentences? Eliminate. Always!
Avoid clichés like the plague, they're old hat.
Puns are for children, not for groan readers.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Shun trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
One should neither generalize nor abstract generalities. Be concrete.
Be more or less specific.
Forgo quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
"But if you really need quotations, attribute them."
Employ the vernacular. Eschew obfuscation.
Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
It behooves us to avoid archaic expressions.
Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Refrain from being indirect. The passive voice should not be used.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before, it's redundant and superfluous.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.

On Readership

Profanity is for assholes.
Never insult your moronic readers.
The writer should not alienate half of his readers by using gender-specific language.
In the case of a technical report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK.
Lastly, as Stephen Hawking intoned, "Each math expression implies readership ÷ 2."

Added by num++
on 6/03, 9:50am

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