Rebirth of Reason

Advice - Dear Tabby

Dear Tabby is the SOLO Romance advice column.  Dayaaaammm.... love sure is complicated.  Please send questions and answers to Katdaddy via SoloMail for inclusion in Dear Tabby or just post something in the Dear Tabby discussion thread. 


Dear Tabby,

Recently I fell madly in love with a really cool kat online and decided to move half way across the country and spend the rest of my nine lives with him. I know that to many people it sounds highly irrational, considering that the two of us have not yet actually met face to face. Call me quirky, but I have never been more certain that I have made the right life decision. We approached our relationship from the inside out and have been completely open and honest with each other. I knew before ever seeing his face that he was the one. We accept each other without reservation. No regrets. No apologies. No disclaimers. Only total passion for the total height.


An issue I have is that we have a friend who is being a royal buzzkill. This friend has personally warned both of us that objectivist relationships donít work out and has recommended courses and self-help books and a highly structured approach to matters of the heart. We donít love according to the rules. We make our own. I know our friend means well, but we donít want his advice. I just want to tell him to talk to the paw. I donít see him as being an example of having a good relationship, heís married but he seems way too interested in chasing tail.  Any advice?





Dear Kitten,


Donít worry about the buzzkillers. Follow your heart. As for your dichotomized friend, Iíd tell him to dump the wife if he ain't getting enough and explore the exciting world of polyamory by finding 2 or 3 objectivist women to love and take care of him as a man.




Dear Tabby:

At 15 or so, the boy falls in love with someone. His parents pose a thoroughly irrational opposition to the girl - not on the grounds of "you're too young" but "that girl is evil, she's just going to use you" putting forth no reason for their claims. What is the boy to do? Defy his parents, on whom he is dependent, and to whom he owes his initial upbringing, and go ahead and take the risk or submit to their demands, thus denying reality by faking indifference to the girl?
The Girl


Dear Girl:

My big question is why do the parents think the girl is evil and has bad intentions?  Are they religious and are therefore brand any non-believer as evil?   Would it be more acceptable if the couple were dismissed because of their age?  Is there any way of working this out without defying the parents or dismissing the couple.  Forbidden fruit only makes the attraction stronger. 

As the mother of a 15-year old girl myself, I feel that serious romance at that age is rather premature.  I don't want to burst your bubble, but hormones trump reason in the teen years.  I'm sure that once my daughter starts dating, some holier than thou parent will have issues and label her as evil probably based on nothing more than the way she dresses.  It is part of living in a world where atheists are so rare.  After my divorce, I decided that I would rather die old and alone than to date someone religious.  Luckily, I finally found my true soulmate, someone who shares my highest values.  Someone rational yet passionate. Now we have legal battles to deal with in addition to parents.  Not fun either.

This may be your first love, but it probably won't be your last.  You will grow and change and so will your partner.  Maybe you will grow together or maybe apart.  His parents will always be his parents, you may or may not always be his girl. The best thing both of you can do is take it slow.  Let the parents get to know that you are a good person with only the best of intentions.  They have to open up their minds and their hearts before they will get out of the way.  They most likely want what is best for their son, even though it doesn't look that way now.  Keep the lines of communication open. 

Their opinion of you is not going to change overnight and you certainly don't want to be seen as the evil one who tore him from his family.  He has to make a decision and stick with it, not fake reality.  Lying to one's parents is betrayal in my opinion, so I do not condone that.  The parents will then have a valid reason to hate you even more and the son will eventually resent you as well.  There may be some of jealousy and fear too.   You are very young and have nothing but time.  Use it wisely.  Stay strong. 

Good luck.


(edit - I live in America so if some of the objections are based on social realities in India such as living under a caste system where there are arranged marriages and such, my advice may be completely off.  If you are in the lower caste, the parents of the boy will never come around, even if you win a Nobel prize.  This is deep in the culture and trying to change centuries of tradition is pretty much a complete waste of effort. You will never be accepted.  Culture, like religion,  runs deep.  So if that is the case, walk away. If I am being totally culturally ignorant and there is an arranged marriage involved here, run for your life or consider eloping. )  

The full discussion is over on the general forum.