Newcomer to Objectivism Needs Some Encouraging Words

I received an e-mail from an acquaintance new to Objectivism that I know outside RoR.

She is finding Objectivism hard to grasp. Her alcoholic separated husband wants to divorce her and this frightens her because it could leave her without enough money or health insurance. She currently works a temporary job with limited hours which allow her time to spend with her daughter after school and in the summer but without medical benefits.

She is trying to hold her life together so she can keep her temporary job through the ninety day probation period without her marital issues threatening that transition. These emotional trials leave her feeling distracted and ready to cry. She is trying to be "brave and independent."

She found the ideology of Anthem encouraging but could not finish We the Living.

I want to start a thread of encouragement here so this woman can get past this rough spot to follow her own star. I think those who can speak from similar experiences might be best. But I encourage anyone who can say anything useful to post.

I will send her the link to this thread later today in the hopes of brightening her life.

(Edited by Luke Setzer on 3/13, 6:00am)

Post 1

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 7:59am

How old is she?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 8:16am

I am guessing 30-35 but never asked. Her daughter is 11 or so. She comes to my club meetings occasionally -- new to Atheism and Objectivism and got our club name from the American Atheists Web site. The straw to break her back came when the Church told her they could not help her leave her husband unless he became physically abusive rather than just drunk and verbally and emotionally abusive right in front of their daughter.

(Edited by Luke Setzer on 3/13, 8:20am)

Post 3

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 10:31am

Has she not worked outside the marriage ?

I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and through my own determination came out of it okay. Even so if my non-alcoholic parent could have done one thing that would have improved my life it would have been taking me out of that situation to begin with. So first of all she needs to know that she has made the first decision of many that will lead to a great life for her and her daughter.

Post 4

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 10:57am

There are certain situations people get themselves in that require taking a few steps back before being able to move forward. Things sometimes need to get worse before they get better. She needs to find a good divorce lawyer, perhaps one who will work on a contingency fee basis if she can't afford it (assuming they do that in family law). This will help make sure that the husband will continue to pitch in financially for their daughter so that she herself can on a good footing. There are no easy answers in cases like this, you have to prioritize what's important and act accordingly. I wish her the best.

Post 5

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 2:11pm

Luke:

Thought she might find this essay helpful/inspirational. The author (Steve Pavlina) is not an Objectivist, and in fact, has several essays on his site that fly directly in the face of Objectivism.

However, I found this essay, along with many others on his site, very inspirational and useful for daily living. This particular essay is about developing courage in the face of fear and adversity. It's quite long but I think your friend would find it very useful.

The Courage to Live Consciously

Post 6

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 5:52pm

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I glanced at The Courage to Live Consciously and will print it out to read it completely.

Post 7

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 6:27pm

Mari, I am glad to see you posting here. I will see you Thursday night at the PROPEL(TM) meeting.

Post 8

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 6:46pm

Aaaaaawe..... :(

I'm hoping you have a good attorney to fight for you. The decree could, and should, allow for your soon to be ex to pay for your medical insurance for a period of time (two to five years,) until you secure employment with benefits yourself.

I'm hoping you have a support system. Family and friends you can call on, or even lean on a little, when it gets really too tough.

I'm hoping you'll be able to see, very soon, how much better your life is without him (the "what the hell was I thinking????" that'll hit you).

Maintaining a sense of humor helped me get me through an awful lot of crap. It still does.

I often advise young people who are going through sever life changes (happened just today) to make new friendships, but not with just anyone. Try to find friends who are better than yourself in some important way in an effort to say inspired. This has worked for me.

(Hint: We The Living IS NOT very inspiring! Wrong wrong wrong book for you right now. Better choice: The Fountainhead, or better yet, The Virtue of Selfishness.)

Watch "She Devil," and listen to Brett Butler (I love her) <g>

Hang around with us. We're a pretty nice bunch, once you get to know us. ;)

I know all about feeling overwhelmed and having your confidence stomped into dust. Been there. Done that. Got the teeshirt.

Post 9

Thursday, March 15, 2007 - 11:30pm

Mari,

I have gone through a lot in my life (a murdered love, the loss of my kid sister, other stuff) although I have never had any one else to be responsible for as you do your daughter.

I would suggest that being familiar with the Objectivist idea that you are entitled to your own happiness is in itself the most important philosophical lesson you can learn right now. That knowledge alone and common sense will get you far. I would make these suggestions:

(1) Get your priorities straight. During "business" hours, do everything necessary to get your life in order, don't let yourself get distracted during the productive part of the day from doing things that must be done.

(2) But during "down time" as you lay in bed, or at any time when you can't be productive toward fixing outstanding problems, put them out of your head with the thought that "My job right now is to sleep, or to relax, or to have quality time with my child, not to worry about things that I can't do anything about at this moment."

(3) Don't worry about rushing into Objectivism. You don't need to study economics or read about soviet Russia right now. Rather, read maybe The Virtue of Selfishness to empower yourself morally, and The Romantic Manifesto to empower yourself spiritually. And don't worry about "getting" everything right away, because that will come in its own time. Some ideas are clear and others may take a while.

(4) Make time to ENJOY yourself with your daughter, even if this means splurging a little bit, like renting her favorite movie, but just eating rice and beans so you can afford the "luxury" in which you chose to indulge. Spiritual refreshment is as important as, if not more important than physical comfort.

(5)Don't cut people out of your life just because they aren't Objectivists. Just cut people out of your life who don't deserve to be in it.

(6) Finally, stay in touch with Luke and us and ask any questions you need without fear of sounding naive or needy or thinking that an Objectivist would look down on you for asking for advice or help.

Ted Keer

(Edited by Ted Keer
on 3/16, 6:03pm)

Post 10

Friday, March 16, 2007 - 2:55pm

Mari,

Everything you need to know about
how to be happy

Post 11

Saturday, March 17, 2007 - 10:01am

Bob,
Thanks very much for the link. I just finished reading
"Having an ``Open Mind" �
a Psychological Asset or Liability?"
Loved it. I looking to see if I can stream her radio program.

Post 12

Saturday, March 17, 2007 - 10:27am

I followed Dr Kenner's link posted by Bob Palin. I wish she were on a NYC or a NJ radio station!

I had only one minor criticism of her short essay on happiness. She says that happiness is an emotion like anger. I would say that joy is an emotion like anger, and that happiness is rather a long-term state such as health or fitness. One can be joyful one minute, and justifiably sad or angry in another minute. But just as one doesn't go from being fit or healthy in a matter of moments (unforeseen tragic accidents or violence aside) one doesn't go from being a happy person to a depressed or discontented person in a flash either.

Again, I distinguish:

(1) Pleasure: a sensation
(2) Joy: an emotion, and
(3) Happiness: the state of spiritual health.

One can be and remain a happy person but get angry when a politician advocates an irrational policy or be sad when a friend is suffering.

This is just a quibble, but not an irrelevant one. There is much of value at that site, and I too thank Bob Palin for posting it.

Ted Keer

Post 13

Monday, March 19, 2007 - 11:19am

Mari, hang in there. We're rooting for you.

Post 14

Monday, March 19, 2007 - 11:20am

Ted, excellent posts #9 and #12.

Post 15

Monday, March 19, 2007 - 11:23am

I met Ellen Kenner at the summer Jefferson School conferences. Really nice, earnest, sensible, happy person. I liked her a lot.

Post 16

Monday, March 19, 2007 - 12:58pm

Be not ashamed and too proud to ask for assistance in your P/Flight to freedom.

The transition is one many females make escaping tyrannical rule.

The government assistance is temporary and make the best of it ask question of others you meet on the same journey where to get the most bang for your buck.

You will be surprised at what you can buy at the Good Will and Salvation Army! Furs Designer Clothing the works but you have to be a professional shopper and know when the trucks come in.

We have a disabled adult child and it cost $500 per day were she stays and you better believe if it were not for the state giving us a helping hand all would be lost.

I started working at around the age of 10 and retired at age 38 in my tenure of employment I have seen a lot of people pay into the system that never got a dime in return before death.

My health insurance Blue Cross and Blue Shield and Medicare that covers her is not enough she also gets a retirement check and that is not enough.

If there is a will there is a way.

Get several hobbies like gardening I see a lot of women into house plants , painting , and even fishing.

Cable satellite and other pay television schemes is a total waste of money. Those ridicolus features on the telephone all have to go and buy an anwsering machine and your refigerator should only have one shelf in it above the freshness drawer and you should only store food in Rubbermaid containers

Some people can not get the gist and will make statements like "Let them eat cake" over look those type of people
and there is nothing wrong with shopping at Walmarts.

Good luck in your future endeavors.

Silas G Sconiers

Post 17

Monday, March 19, 2007 - 5:17pm

I love Walmart, Goodwill, and all thrift shops.

My first husband booked out too.

I have always loved to sew. This little hobby has since morphed into a full blown profession for me, but before it did, I would haunt the Goodwill store and find all of the brand new "seconds" in the children's department. Brand new coats and clothing, but with very minor flaws that I knew I could fix easily and cheaply. Who could resist a gorgeous $50.00 child's winter coat going for $5.00 because it was missing a couple of buttons? Gimmee! I got another for even less because the zipper was broken, but I installed a new zipper. Voila!

I made almost all of my kids' clothes when they were small. In the summer time, I could dress both of my daughters for less than 8.00 combined. And they looked absolutely adorable, too.

Hobbies can come in very handy. ;)

Post 18

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 3:37pm

Me and the wife have found some very good deals at the Good Will I have purchased several tailored made suits for about $5 each for them and put them in the cleaners and had them altered to fit my son when he came home from school and found them hanging in his closet he thought they were new.

To this day he still does not know.

You would not believe the expensive clothing being donated but you have to go to the right areas to get it.

Some still have the original tickets on them.

We found a brand new pink snow suit from Macy's with the tag still on it that cost $175 for our daughter when she was 4 years of age 18 years ago.

It has become hard to find that kind of stuff anymore because you have your professional good will shoppers that will sit around all day until the truck comes in.

Then they buy all the good stuff and resale it on their lawn or at the flea market for a hefty profit.

Post 19

Saturday, March 31, 2007 - 6:14pm