| | Alastair, I too studied a variety of esthetic theory and criticism in college. I don't know who or what you read because you have not shared any details. I remember one particular course on pomo decon theory in which I read George Bataille, Foucault, Blanchot, the Marquis de Sade, and Derrida. The esthetics of Transgression to be precise. I was not an Objectivist at the time, although I had read the Romantic Manifesto already and forgot about it. I had gone against the best within me, and for a period of time struggled face to face with evil and fear. Let me be very concise in what I say about evil. It is the absence of value (which is life, the primary value), and it destroys reason replacing it with irrationality and self-loathing. I agree with Joe that you may be experiencing some deep inner conflict, I admire your courage in wanting to share.
You know I read Georges Bataille's book on Erotism and it actually made me so depressed that I did not leave my room for three months after the semester! True I was very impressionable at the time (21). My parents finally had to entice me out of my room (in NY) by offering me a trip to the Keys (Florida for you New Zealanders). While at Key West I encountered an Objectivist and we began a relationship that gradually fed life back into my war-torn mind. I empathize with you but I do not sympathize or compromise over questions of evil, neither do I encourage that you continue to explore that side of you.
Aggression may play a role in human survival at its lowest levels (I am thinking of Herbert Spencer's "survival of the fittest", or Tennyson's "nature, red tooth and claw"), but I think that reason is the greatest undiscovered and misunderstood tool for our survival. Stay tuned to this site because, as you can see, people here are aggressive about ideas, but the particular set of ideas you will encounter here are not dark, violent, mean-spirited, or depressing.
I am an Oscar Wilde fan, and have had to counter the depths of his depression and weltschmerz in De Profundis. That is the epitome of depression and grief. I don't think there is anything wrong with grieving or feeling sorrow, especially when you have been wronged for something you cannot control. I don't condemn Holocaust survivors who view life in a sober and sometimes grief stricken manner. I applaud those who survive and demonstrate amazing courage by living beyond the ashes. To lull, however, in self pity and in a self-condemning state of mind makes you miss out on life-affirming experiences like joy, happiness, peace, tranquility, productivity, puposefulness, etc. I would not characterize your "music" with any of these attributes, although I fully recognize your right to do as you will.
In the nineteenth century, Herbert Spencer defended laissez-faire economics on the basis of character. The particular qualities of the Victorian moral estimate included: self-restraint, perseverance, strenuous effort, courage, self-reliance, thrift, and a sense of personal responsibility and duty. I personally find all of these desireable attributes in character with the exception of duty. Duty is the one that will destroy all others, unless we mean duty to oneself alone. The mistake of the nineteenth century was to treat duty to the collective as a virtue. That unfortunate moral premiss has leaked into esthetics and now people think that they have the obligation to tolerate everything that calls itself art. I think if you will continue to read Rand, you will see that if you follow her philosophy you cannot continue to reverence aggression, for it is not a value. You don't have to like "teedle-wink" music as she did either.
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