Being a Man in a Woman's World by Dennis Neder

The author could easily have subtitled this book Assertiveness Training for Straight Men Who Date. In a world of romantic literature polluted with titles like Why Men Won't Commit, The Commitment Cure as well as the myriad Mars and Venus cash cow texts, it seems that the overwhelming number of them aim at a female target market at the expense of emasculating men. How many modern books can you name that target men and celebrate traditional masculinity? Do any of these authors ever appear on Oprah?

No matter what books you named, you can add this one to your list. Author Dennis Neder takes today's effeminate culture to task and embraces a man's right to live his own life his own way while still making room for a woman in his life. He opens strongly, noting that hardly any books of this kind have ever hit print. He notes that little to no formal training in the world of dating ever gets passed from father to son, while a great deal of such training frequently does get passed from mother to daughter. To correct this historic and unjust inequality, the author assembled and published this book and related materials at http://www.beingaman.com based on years of research.

In the author's view, the world of love and romance has far too long slanted itself against men in favor of women. Popular culture places women on pedestals for men to "win" with poetry, serenades, conquests of obstacles, etc. When women have temper tantrums and behave irrationally in movies and television shows, the script writers seek to convey these actions as "cute." This unfair and sexist tolerance of unreason in women in American culture leads to undue hardship on the unprepared man. Such hardship manifests itself concretely with a universal phenomenon the author calls:

The Test

What is the test? In the author's view, the test occurs whenever a woman pushes the limits of a man's self-assertiveness. Although the author does not explicitly mention the work of Nathaniel Branden, he clearly believes as Branden does that self-assertiveness serves as a key pillar for self-esteem. Whenever a woman disrespects a man's right to expect rationality, integrity between deeds and words, etc. -- in other words, what Objectivists would call ethical behavior -- she conducts the test.

As the author explains:

It can take an unlimited number of forms -- from not being ready to go out on your date, to "forgetting" to call you when you both agreed, to pulling something so egregious that you are ready to explode. There are far too many types of tests that you will face to describe all of them here. However, be assured that you will be tested.

The author illustrates enough concrete examples of the test to empower the reader to recognize when he is actually tested.

Subsequent sections of the book deal with various aspects of dating that overlap with the art and science of sales: communication models, marketing, etc. But possibly the most powerful part of this book falls in the final section. To cultivate the self-assertiveness needed to pass the test, the author devotes this section of the book to:

The Plan

Far too many men build their lives around finding the "perfect" woman rather than seeking to mold themselves into the images of their own ideals. They seek to live through a woman rather than to live for themselves. This not only robs them of power in their relationships, but in their very lives. In short, it stands as a backwards approach to the business of living and loving.

Objectivism advocates living for one's own sake using one's own mind. Although the author does not explicitly articulate his philosophy in these words, Objectivists will find much with which to agree here. The author contends that a man needs to design his own life first so that he can attract the kind of woman who shares his values. With clarity and precision, the author details the process of outlining in writing one's dreams, goals and action plans, including how to search for compatible women as part of that overall blueprint.

The author has generously shared with me an outline of the contents of the unabridged audio version of this book as well as the detailed outline of the key points of the audio book:

CD Table of Contents

CD	Contents	Length
#1	Opening Introduction Chapter 1 - What This Book Is Chapter 2 - What This Book Is Not Chapter 3 - Notes to Women Chapter 4 - The Test 1. What Specifically Is "The Test"? 2. Why Do We Get The Test? 3. How to Spot The Test 4. Ok, You're Getting The Test -- What Do You Do? 5. Examples of Tests and How to Handle Them 6. General Guidelines on Test-Passing 7. What If You Fail The Test?	04:35 03:57 05:03 04:42 05:03 41:21
#2	Chapter 5 - The Rules Chapter 6 - Communication Models 1. The Male Verses Female Model 2. The Motivation Model a. Active Versus Passive Types b. Facts Versus Relationship Types c. Examining The Modalities 3. The Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Model a. The Visual Woman b. The Auditory Woman c. The Kinesthetic Woman 4. The Sexuality Model 5. Applying the Models	17:36 34:24
#3	Chapter 7 - The Art of Selling 1. Marketing a. Your Product b. Your Market c. Your Packaging d. Where Are Your Customers? e. Your Pricing f. Your Marketing Plan g. Your Product Support h. Your Growth Plan 2. Prospecting 3. The Introduction 4. The Pitch a. Conversation and Listening b. Mirroring c. Evaluating Her Responses -- Body Language 5. Closing the Sale 6. Follow-Up 7. Handling Objections	50:27
#4	Chapter 8 - The Plan 1. Make Some Decisions a. Decisions About Your "Perfect Woman" b. Decisions About Your Goals 2. Set Your Plan a. Turning Your Dreams into Goals b. Managing Your Time c. The Elements of Your Plan d. Creating Your Plan of Attack 3. Put Your Plan into Action a. Working Your Plan 4. Review Your Progress	73:46
#5	Chapter 9 - Handling Your Success	68:33
#6	Chapter 10 - Pass It On! Epilogue	04:05 03:10

Communication Models
Being a Man in a Woman's World

Male versus Female Model

Men	Women
Outcome oriented	Content and emotion oriented
Review issues to find solutions	Explore details of interaction via language

Men will do well to learn and use women's communication systems to establish rapport and get what they want.

Motivation Model

Types Focus	Facts	Relationship
Actives	Director	Socializer
Passives	Intellectual	Amiable

Focus:	Facts	Relationship
	Info & detail	People & issues

Deals with their most important concerns in communication.

Types:	Active	Passive
Speech	Fast, animated	Slow, purposeful
Social Focus	Outward	Inward
General Reaction	Reactionary	Purposeful
Interaction Style	High	Low
Acceptance	High	Low
Self Awareness	High	Low
Appearance	Clean, neat	Disheveled, unkempt

Deals with the ways the types express themselves.

Type Attributes:

Director	Get the job done, take charge goal/accomplishment oriented, works with others to get what they want
Socializer	Relationship between people, social butterfly, make you "feel at ease"

Intellectual	Wants information, buys because it makes sense, not easily excited
Amiable	Slow and methodical, ponders over ever word, watches reactions, willing to morph to "get along"

Sexuality Model

0------------------50---------------100           - Physical
100---------------50------------------0           - Emotional

Draw a line across both scales. Someone 75% emotional is 25% physical, etc.

                                              Attributes

	Emotional	Physical
Focus	Emotion	Physical body
Protect via	Uses emotion	Uses body
Language	Implication	Direct
Dress	Low	High
Jewelry	Little	Lots
Makeup	Little	Lots
Shoes	Flat	High
Cars	Sensible	Flashy
Posture	Toes ahead, arms back, palms to sides Closed posture	Toes out, arms and palms forward Open posture
Body	Protected	Open
Gait	Short	Long
PDA	Low	High

Getting what you want:

Emotional: Mental level: talk to create images, use her emotions and imply specifics.
Physical: Physical level: use body language and emotions, light touches, entice the senses, "kino."

Neuro-Linguistic Programming Model
"What do you remember most about your childhood?"

Visual	Will look up for words, rapid speech pace, dresses well, home neat and organized, uses visual language, "I see what you mean"
Auditory	Eyes move towards ears, will talk in an even pace, will use auditory language, "I hear you"
Kinesthetic	Will look down for words, speaks slowly and deliberately, Will use physical language, "That doesn't feel right"

Defines characteristics of personality via speech patterns. Rapport established easily by adopting the particular speech pattern.

Note: you can combine any (or all) of these models together to form an even more clear picture of a woman, or to develop quicker, deeper, even more powerful rapport. Women are all about communication, so learn these skills well!

Added by Luke Setzer
on 10/14/2005, 10:30am

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