Rebirth of Reason

Sense of Life

PI editorial, Mon June 17
by Lindsay Perigo

Politically Incorrect Editorial by Free Radical editor Lindsay Perigo, Monday June 17, 2002.

Overseas subscribers will be distressed to learn that New Zealand's national icon, the kiwi - it's a bird, only it can't fly - is in danger of becoming extinct. I wish it would hurry up. All my life the bloody thing's been on the verge of extinction, but it won't bloody go away, thanks to the efforts of sundry state-tit-sucking, sandal-wearing conservationists (they're human, but they can't think). If these nature-freaks had truly let nature take its course, then the kiwi WOULD have perished aeons ago, & we would have been spared the embarrassment of having it appear as an "emblem of freedom" in that gormless Objectivist publication, Navigator. And we would be spared the embarrassment of sporting what has to be the world's oddest-looking national icon. I mean, look at it! A "bird" with no wings, no tail, a beak like a lanky anorexic's erection & legs like a feminist sumo-wrestler's!

Tonight our other very odd-looking national icon, Paul Holmes, breathlessly informed us that 95% of kiwi chicks are being devoured in the wild by stoats. Many of the surviving 5% are then gobbled up by ferrets, dogs & cats. If the bloody things are that careless, I say, so be it. Let 'em perish! Conservation Minister Sandra Lee - who's almost as breathless as Mr Holmes, & mercifully retired today - has taken the opposite tack, trying to ban stoats & ferrets & cats & dogs. (Again for the benefit of overseas subscribers, this is only part-exaggeration.) Socialists are never happier than when banning things, of course, so no surprise here. Yet it's only a few months ago that Gerry Eckhoff, MP, in the pages of The Free Radical & elsewhere, posited a means of averting the kiwi's demise that SHOULD satisfy socialists & free marketeers alike: eat the bloody things! Roast kiwi as a Sunday staple! To eat them, of course, means you have to cultivate them in a protected environment. Farm them, in other words. This, after all, is how the sandal-wearers have staved off the kiwi's extinction thus far - only then they insist on sending the bloody things into their "natural habitat": deep bush, where no one, sandal-wearers included, can see them - so what's the bloody point anyway? - & where they're destined to be dog tucker, literally.

If the kiwi's survival depends on the outcome of stoats vs sandal-wearers, then it's a goner, for sure. The stoats are smarter. The kiwi's best hope is to be human tucker. Let's hope the bloody things taste better than they look.

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