The Night Before Yesterday
by James Kilbourne
Last night, I went to my local movie theatre to see “The Day After Tomorrow”. For those who have missed this contribution to western literature, science and political theory, I will try to briefly summarize the plot.
It seems we earthlings missed our chance to save the world from environmental destruction by not immediately enacting all provisions of the Conference on Global Warming and by electing Dick Cheney Vice President. You see, global warming will create global cooling which will lead to giant storms which will end up freezing the New York Public Library, where we will have to burn everything accept the Guttenberg Bible to keep warm while dad makes snowshoes out of wicker chairs and walks up from Philadelphia to give us a hug. George Bush will freeze to death in a motorcade trying to get out of Washington because he wouldn’t listen to Dennis Quaid’s advice that everyone should stay inside while he (Dennis Quaid, that is) walks from Philadelphia to New York on old chair seats tied to his birkendorf (or whatever) sandals.
In our nightly meetings to plan the destruction of the environment and the torture of Bill Clinton (who, as we all know, was really elected to a third term before Clarence Thomas and Anton Scalia voided the Constitution), those of us whose job it is to be sure that children with cancer are told it is their fault they are sick – and those of us in charge of declaring ketchup a vegetable and diverting Social Security checks from widows and orphans to Halliburton and tax-deducted contributions to the Society for Starving Old People Slowly -- failed to consider the ultimate weapon against our dark forces. How could we have known that the one thing that would demoralize our hordes of Iraqi rapers, whale harpooners, pesticide-swilling Amazon-forest-burners -- the one thing that would sap the energy from our legions of beef eating, cigarette smoking tree cutters -- was the image of Dick Cheney standing contrite before the world, arm in arm with Selma Hayak, Leon Trotsky and Daniel Ortega, making the peace sign?
I guess we just didn’t realize what they have known all along. Besides being the scum of the earth, those of us responsible for hiding Reagan’s and Bin Laden’s bodies until October 30th, (yeah, we screwed up with Reagan big time!) are JUST NOT AS SMART AS THEY ARE. Well, I’ve learned my lesson. I will never misunderestimate them again! The Day after Tomorrow makes me long for The Night Before Yesterday, which, for me, was my last Today without a Day After Tomorrow. If I had known what I know now, I would have burned this script to stay warm.
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