Finding Our Way Back Together
by James Kilbourne
On January 16, I submitted an article here at SOLO which I called “Finding My Way Back To Me.” It was a painful article for me to write for several reasons:
1) I had met Sergio Manuel Sanchez Covarrubias on September 13, 2002. Within a few weeks, we were together all the time. I mean, ALL the time. For over a year, we didn’t miss one night together. We both wore gold rings engraved with “Sergio and Jimmy, Septemeber 13, 2002.” The ending of this relationship wasn’t just another couple breaking up; this was Nancy Reagan leaving Ronnie.
2) Although there were other considerations, the derailment of this train of love was basically caused by two things: Sergio has a serious problem with addictions, and I had very strong reactions to his many behavioral quirks at least partially caused by these addictions problems.
3) I was in such pain that I couldn’t keep up with many of my responsibilities. I felt I needed to write something both to clarify my thoughts as to where I exactly was at that point, and to at least to explain my absence from the daily fray.
I did my best in that article. Just writing it was a step toward recovery and towards re-establishing a daily routine. Because it was so personal, I actually decided to pull it after I sent it in. But Lindsay emailed me and said it was scheduled to be posted that night, and he thought posting it would be beneficial, so I let it go. The response to that article deeply touched me and started me thinking in ways that positively changed my life.
Do we know how lucky we are at SOLOHQ? Every day I sign on, it seems another important figure in the worldwide fight for freedom is writing something profound; something that often seems to be aimed specifically at me. But beyond the great sharing of ideas, there is a sense of friendship and closeness rarely experienced even by people who grow up in the same town together. I have only met a handful of you, but I feel closer to many of you than friends I have known for a lifetime. There, offering me support and advice at the end of my article, were many of my favorite SOLOists, including the very wise and warm George Cordero; Jennifer, Matthew, Pete, Ethan, Marcus, John Newnhan, Jason and Adam—all people who took the time to show me their support. They are people whom I have grown to respect and to enjoy over the last half year since I discovered Solohq. Also, there is David Bertelsen, a young man who shows a great heart, and Derek McGovern, a man of such a natural civility and good will that you are always better for his thoughts. Why, there is even our scowling Jon Letendre, offering much profundity and a threat to crack me in the head if I didn’t listen up and take his advice. It was good advice. I listened.
Always at the center of all things SOLO is my deep and close friend Lindsay, a man who cares so much about people and ideas that he dares to take both of them seriously. He is the rare possessor of both a great mind and a great soul. And, not visible to SOLOHQ, but filling my email each day with walls of support, love and wisdom, was my beloved Chris Sciabarra.
Two contributions, however, changed my whole outlook.
As Sergio is the love of my life, Barbara Branden is the friend of my life. The word "friend" feels inadequate here. I will always be there for Barbara. She is always there for me. As all of you have come to see, Barbara is not just a great writer and biographer. Barbara has an ability to summarize a situation with just the right thought. She then takes that thought and chisels it into poetry. Barbara helped me find my footing. As I worried about the long-range damage on my ability to approach a new love with fearlessness and confidence, Barbara had no such worries at all for me. Barbara knew that all the work I had done to be the man I wanted to be in my life would end up being my ally; that I had no choice but to open up, conquer, and win. Her thoughts weren’t just gracious support for a friend. They were an insight. They were true and I knew it. I had my confidence back. I suggest you go back to that article’s discussions to see just how much more beautifully Barbara put these thoughts.
Once I had my footing, Lance Moore was there to show me a better approach. He made me realize that not only had I been selling love short, I had had come to define my whole situation with Sergio by non-essentials. Again, I suggest the reader go to the article “Finding My Way Back to Me” and read Lance’s powerful writing in the Discussion follow-up.
In summary, Sergio and (mostly) I had come to define our relationship by the problems and the different approaches and conclusions we had come to accept about them. But you don’t define the sun as that thing that makes the planet Mercury so hot. Sergio and I will always passionately love each other. We will always try to be together. Sometimes we finish each other’s thoughts: more often, we share a thought that brings us closer together. We sit next to each other at the movies and turn at the same moment to look with appreciation at the great happiness we feel at just being together. Sergio says, “In my life, there is God and then there is you.” I accidentally touch his arm as I am giving him a cup of coffee, and I get goose bumps all the way up my arm right to my scalp.
Sergio and I will have to make changes to solve some of our problems. It may be some time before we can live together again. But the sunshine of our life will be our love. Thanks to help from some very good friends at SOLOHQ, we are out of the shadows and basking in the sunlight once again.
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