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Finding Happiness in Lesbos Yeah. ME, he asks. Tonight, Jamie Kelly will be playing the role of Dr. Ruth U-Haul, the Sex and Relocation Expert. Like all things in life, you have to consider the context of things to make a rational decision. Context, context, context, people! So I tell him, “I don’t know. Do you like her?” “Yep.” It’s a tough call. I don’t know, for instance, what his relationship with the lesbian is. “Where did you meet this particular lesbian? Do you think it could be something that will lead to happiness in your life? You got a ride to Seattle? Will you save me a Mariners ticket or two?” So many unanswered questions, and frankly, I wasn’t in the mood. But I’m in the mood today because there’s a deadline approaching, and heck, they’re not really big into letting the paper roll with nothing but blank space on this here page. Unless you want to buy an ad for it. You want to buy an ad for it? Anyway, you might want to clip this column and tuck it away in your wallet, for the next time that someone asks you if he should move in with a lesbian. You could whip it out and say, “Well, my sex and relocation advice expert is Dr. Ruth U-Haul, and Dr. U-Haul says ...” Yep. Just like those E.F. Hutton commercials. E.F. Hutton, by the way, disintegrated in the 1980s after a money-laundering scheme and got absorbed by Citigroup. Just so you know. And now, back to the lesbian. I’m one of those wacky socially liberal, fiscally conservative types, meaning I’m not in any way opposed to lesbianism as long as it doesn’t come with a graduated tax. I’m also not opposed to moving in. Therefore, using the post-Euclidean Chevy Geo Logic Theorem Thingie, I’m not opposed to moving in with lesbians. This is the essence of freedom. “Give me the liberty to move in with lesbians, or give me death,” is what you’ll hear me singing in the shower to the tune of a Chopin nocturne on every seventh Thursday. But I’m not without a sense of curiosity, either. So, if you’re going to solicit my advice on moving in with a lesbian, I’m going to need to know a few things first. Like, is she a lesbian? I mean, really a lesbian? I presume that the lesbian asked you to move in with her. If so, is she aware that having a romantic relationship with a man is, in fact, precluded by the definition of “lesbian?” Or did you just label her a lesbian to impress me, you goofy guy? Perhaps she’s a lesbian but she’s expecting YOU to change. If you’re a man, becoming a lesbian is no walk in the park. You’ll probably try and fail a few times before you get it down. That’s something you might want to know before hopping on the bus, Skippy. Or is it the case that this particular lesbian wants a Platonic relationship with you? I always wondered about that term, Platonic. What, is it possible to have an Aristotelian relationship with someone? Or a Sartre-esque one? “Hey, how about a night of Ayn Rand passion, love bunny? Tell me A is A! Tell me again! Tell me again!” Is that something we would say in this crazy, crazy world? My guess is that since she’s asked you to move in, she is in fact not quite a lesbian. Perhaps 73 percent, with the remaining part reserved for the Unfair Sex. You are therefore 27 percent her dream partner. It’s a simple question of ratios: A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut, but if 27 percent is good enough for you, then get packing. So that’s my advice. Your happiness on this planet is your own business, because frankly, we’re all going to die someday, some of us sooner than others, of course. And if you die in the arms of a Seattle lesbian who loves you, well, you’re luckier than most people in the world. So all things considered, if you’re convinced that this is right for you, I’ll say it: Get on that bus! Don’t look back! It’s your life! Go chase the dream! And give her a kiss from me. Jamie Kelly has never lived with a lesbian. But he’s willing to try. This column originally appeared in The Missoulian's Entertainer on October 20, 2005.
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